♠ Saturday, January 29, 2005

Sigh

Blardy bad day today.

Twisted my ankle today, while walking home.

he wouldn't speak or look at me at all. such pain and empty i felt. Yes it's my fault. all my blardy fault seriously. i have no idea what got into me.

mommy yelling at sydey for lying and blah blah blah.

mommy yelling at me not to yell at sydney.

mommy looking like she wants to yank her hair out.

Stupid internet wouldn't open any web pages

dumb MSN cutting me off in a middle of a conversation. BO ka si program. Go home learn some manners can?!

mommy belittling my life, my relationships, my friends. she says it's just companionship, and it's all puppy love, for FUN. yes, so maybe she's right, sTILL, why can't she show SOME respect, and value the little but significant things in my life? She makes them sound like some cheap activity i'm indulging in. actually, they're not little at all. They are HUGE & SIGNIFICANT. And no mom, you're never gonna know, that is, till one fine day i just lose my patience & scream.

Me feeling like crying, bawling, dying, screaming. in which one activity i took part in.

Wishing i was dead.

Oh no, keithy says suicide isn't good. So i guess it's best to wait for some tragedy to strike, ie flying flowerpot aimed at my head from 10 storeys above. or some bus driven by a lunatic that'll knock me out cold in a blow. or some germ which came from the dirty utensils i have to use almost daily.

As the day draws to a near end, my horrid day starts to fade off.

& things are taking a better turn.

Keithy is talking to me.

he finally responded, after MSN cut us off suddenly.. not too long later, came an SMS.

dat made me wanna cry.

he surprised me with some deep, intelligent & mature advice about life that i never expected would come out of him.

that sort of knocked some sense into me subtly.

that made me realize i was becoming really pessimistic, which i never tot myself as one.

which also made me realize i was becoming VERY clingy and needy of Keithy.

DAt's the worst thing i should ever do really.

it's...... really bad.

Knowing I would not be able to face the trials of life without Keith with me, was, scary.

i couldn't live without him.

Yes, i'm going insane.

I sound insane, don't i?

Sigh.

At least i don't feel like dying now.

And darling?

I'm sorry, sometimes I don't know what I'm doing, I don't realize the hurt & pain I'm giving you. I don't realize you'd be affected that much. I really am sorry. I don't realize how blind I am. How ignorant I am. How self centred I am. But, all the time, I realize I love you. So much. Sorry I... I'm sorry.

i am a female.

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City's breakin' down on a camel's back.
They just have to go 'cuz they dont know whack
So all of you fill the streets it's appealing to see.
You wont get out the county, 'cos you're bad and free
You've got a new horizon it's federal style.
A melancholy town where we never smile
And all I wanna hear is the message beep.
My dreams, they gotta kissing, 'cuz I don’t get sleep, no.

*BEEP* Windmill, Windmill for the land.
Turn forever hand in hand.
Take it all in on your stride.
It is sinking, falling down.
Love forever love is free.
Time forever,you and me.
Windmill,windmill for the land.
Is everybody in




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